He's been sleeping really well - but today... it was almost as though all the coaching we did last week just flew out the window.
He's not sucking his fingers as he'd started doing successfully - today he cried a lot whenever I put him down. So much so that I couldn't put him down for long as I'd been able to do all week.
Today he wanted me close and appeared clingy.
I wondered if he was too hot - then too cold - then if his diaper was dirty - then if he was hungry - then if he had a temeprature - was he bored? - or did he just need me to hold him?
Since the coaching, he'd started to play so beautifully on his own - he'd also started sleeping so well on his own - what happened!
I've been told by relatives that Luke crying when I'm not holding him is manipulative and he needs to learn to not need to be held all the time.
At first I ignored this advice - and then came a time when I felt ill with fatigue.
Luke wanted to be held ALL the time.
If he was awake he wanted to be in my arms.
It got worse when being in my arms wasn't good enough for him anymore. He wanted me standing and rocking while I held him. Or I had to be walking around.
I COULDN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!!!
Anyway so I thought maybe, just maybe, the women in my family had a point - I had to teach my son to not "need" being held all the time.
Last week when we started the coaching Luke was so mad at me he wouldn't look at me while feeding.
Usually when he's breastfeeding he doesn't take his eyes off me.
He looks at me.
So intense is that look it's as though he's decoding my DNA and picking out the bits he recognises as replicated in him. He looks at me as though he reads every bit of my soul, every concern, every joy, every worry, every dream, every ambition and that look says: "it's ok mommy". It's a wise look that seems to accpet the burden of being my light in places that were once overwhelmed with dark solitude. It's this deep look that says so many things that by the time he's finished feeding we've had an entire conversation - with our eyes. I miss that look.
Luke was miserable the day the coaching began - I'd expected he would be.
I'd also expected that his discomfort and unhappiness would go on beyond that day until he got the lesson.
I'd comforted myself with the idea that as soon as we got the sleep and play right he would forgive me and we'd all be the better for it.
When awake he would've learned that not being held all the time wouldn't kill him - he would be fine and then when the time came to sleep he would have learned to sleep on his own without needing to be fed or rocked to sleep.
If I'm completely honest: Luke has not been the cheerful, bubbly boy he always is.
And I really do believe that I, through the sleep coaching, have crushed my son.
During the coaching I haven't let him cry for long periods - I've been letting him cry a short while (no longer than 3-5 minutes) then I'd pick him up - comfort him, hold him tight and tell him I'm there but "Mommy's going to put you down again because you're fully capable of playing on your own."
His dad had thought the mobile gym would help because he believed Luke was probably crying because he was bored.
He likes the mobile gym but prefers it if we join him while he plays.
I've been playing a lot more music for him lately - he seems to be indifferent to it and only really lights up when I play with him and sing along while the music plays.
So something just doesn't feel right about the sleep coaching. I don't know if it's right or if I'm going about it the right way...
My research on the matter thus far has caused me to stumble upon a few blogs.
Usually I'd do some extensive research and compile a summary but today I'm far too overwhelmed to do this.
I'm gutted and I'm feeling very weepy that I've (for a whole week and two days!) not been there for my son.
My new found joy in life is being there for my son. That's what I've made my life about and making that decision has, fulfilled, and made me so happy!
I feel like a failure right now - I knew these times (of feeling I'm doing it wrong) would come I just didn't think they'd make me feel this rubbish.
I'm feeling TREMENDOUSLY guilty - was my son asking me ALL week to not abandon him and I ignored his pleas?
Well Dr Phil would probably say: "Worse than doing it for a week and two days would be doing it for a week and three days!"
I have always believed that Luke, his dad and I should communicate to each other what's best for him.
But I got tired - REALLY TIRED and I couldn't rock him as much as he wanted me to - I couldn't hold him as much as he wanted me to.
My husband helped a lot. But on days I'd pass out from exhaustion and he would take over, he too would get tired of carrying Luke and eventually he'd plonk our boy next to me and I'd have to take over again. We got tired.
I feel as though I've let my little gem down.
Does he trust me still?
Does he trust that I will be there for him when he needs me? Or that when he cries out for help he will be heard?
Does he trust that if he needs me I will be there for him?
Or have I, in this week, taught him that he's on his own?
Has the coaching broken something in him that might never be fixed?
O mon petit prince!
And if we do go back to me holding him all the time and rocking him to sleep - what happens when it gets to the point (again!) where I feel incredible pain in every joint in my body that I feel compelled to try the coaching again before madness takes over?
This child is a part of me in a way that nothing else ever will be.
Oh Lula my son - what do we do now?
Links I've read on this:
How leaving your baby to cry can increase their stress levels - maybe for life: http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/pinky_mckay.html
The trauma your child suffers when left to "cry it out" http://womanuncensored.blogspot.com/2009/12/just-let-her-cry.html
Candid account of how your baby feels when left alone to cry: http://parentingredefined.blogspot.com/2011/03/manipulation-or-communication.html
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