I just had my first child.
In fact I'm so new to motherhood that my fanny still knows all about the excruciating agony of labour!
This truly is an amazing time though.
The best moments of each day are those spent with my son, Luke. Whether it’s watching him make the most incredible facial expressions in his sleep – or coaxing the adorable sounds he’s recently started making…
The not so fantastic part has had to do mostly with my recovery after labour.
It’s also been sometimes daunting not knowing exactly what to do with this whole new person in my life.
So while I’m still very new to motherhood, here’s what I know so far: Babies, well at least mine, are not difficult.
It is tiring taking care of a new born. I don’t think it gets much less tiring as they grow older. Their needs may change but their demand on time remains the same for quite a while.
I know this because my youngest brother (my mom had him at 44) is 7 and is almost as demanding (if not more now) as he was the first time he came to live with us when he was 2.
Coping without the fanfare
Back to difficulty – I REALLY was nervous before my baby came.
It’s tradition in my culture that when a baby is born one’s mother and/or grandmother live with them for at least the first month after baby is born.
I had also been strongly advised to get myself full time help.
By the time my baby was born – I didn’t have a live in gran, mom or helper but I managed fine.
My mom lives close by so for the first week she came over for about an hour or two every morning to help me – but for the most part I managed on my own.
My husband, Rico, was awesome in those first few weeks (still is), especially when Luke was up almost every two hours. There were times it was hard getting up one more time. My husband would step in – he would even change diapers if needed (he still does). Yay Rico!
I don’t take too kindly to dads who refuse to change diapers. My attitude toward the: Dude there was a time when someone wiped your ass! And that time may come again!
The power of boob
With all of man’s inventions nothing but absolutely NOTHING beats breast milk.
I love breastfeeding and so does Luke.
I am so proud of my son’s fat thighs – too adorable! And it’s thanks to the power of the boob.
Much to the chagrin of my mother Luke is exclusively on breast milk.
I love it because: it’s something only I can give him, it’s a wonderful time for us to adore each other, I can see all the amazing benefits for him, I don’t have to hassle with shopping for formula or sampling various ones till I find what’s right for him – I don’t have to make the breast milk or worry about getting it just the right temperature before feeding – then sterilizing everything for the next feed – PHEW! I’m exhausted just talking about it!
Breastfeeding advice from midwives at my baby shower coupled with pre-natal classes has much to do with my confidence in this area. Minutes after my son was born he was breastfeeding and it’s been smooth sailing ever since.
Did I mention that I agree - being a mom is NOT the hardest job in the world?
I don’t agree with the school of thought that says motherhood is the hardest job in the world.
Some comedian made fun of this notion. He asked whether stay-at-home moms were running through hot terrains being shot at by enemy fire (like the armed forces in war zones were)? He mentioned crab fishermen in the Bering Sea – his act really was funny.
What was even funnier was that I could imagine some mom somewhere in the world huffing and puffing and while foaming at the mouth thinking: “Typical man – what does he know about ALL the work that goes into being a stay-at-home mom!”
Oh get over it lady! It’s NOT the hardest job!
I mean how many other jobs get you to smile from every cell of you body till it radiates through your belly and rings out in laughter?
How many jobs give you so many hugs and kisses?
What else, pray tell, brings out the tenderest part of you?
What else motivates you to reach levels within yourself you never thought even existed?
Oh I could go on… but won’t.
Treat thy child as….
All in all I treat my son as I would want to be treated.
I speak with him.
I make an effort to show him I'm listening when he speaks even though it's babble right now...
In everything I do with and for him I'm constantly mindful that he is a whole person. He may be small but he is a man in the making.
From womb to world
At first I was pedantic about feeding times.
I would wake Luke every 2-3 hours for his feeds – while I think this was important for him in those first few weeks of his life, he's three months now and I don’t do that anymore.
I would not appreciate someone waking me up on their clock when it’s my tummy.
So now I feed my son when he wants to feed. As long as I know he's ok I let him sleep for as long as he needs to and feed him when he’s awake.
If he wants to feed a mere hour or less since his last feed – I let him.
I have been following this way of feeding and my baby is super healthy and very happy.
His weigh-ins show that his weight is above average and it is with total pride that I can report that I have been congratulated on this by all his health care providers.
I must say though that in those first few weeks after my son's birth he slept in our bed. So whenever he was up he would latch onto my boob.
I recommend this because, the way I see it, baby has been with mom every single moment during his entire life before birth. Changing that immediately after birth would be far too drastic and traumatic.
Being close to mom at all times in those first few weeks is vital for baby.
I believe that any kind of coaching or training in those first few weeks is far too soon.
For two weeks after his birth Luke was so unhappy. I think it was the transition that was uncomfortable for him.
He cried a lot. To top it all it was the coldest winter I had ever experienced so I could imagine what a shock it was to his system.
While I can attest to how gruelling those first few weeks were - I'm so glad my husband and I roughed it out.
Coming into the world cannot be an easy transition.
Baby comes from having all needs met all the time to being bombarded to sensations and feelings he's never experienced with no articulate way to communicate what he's going through.
To start any kind of coaching at this time, I feel, is really unfair.
I cannot say this better than Irene Bourquin*:
"'Routine specialists' (although no such qualification exists) have sprung up, undermining mothers' gut instincts, turning vulnerable babies into programmed robots.
Your baby does not come with a time sheet, job card or watch. Their needs should be met immediately so they can learn to trust this new world they have entered. They are not 'spoilt', they are loved, for human beings cannot get too much love."
You only get once…
I make an effort to note what my child likes and doesn’t like. I think that’s why the first few weeks and months of baby’s birth are so vital. For me it’s been about knowing Luke and allowing him to know me.
Gradually as Luke grows we're beginning to explore certain coaching methods. Knowing him and being able to effectively read his signals helps.
In the first month of his life my son and I were cocooned in bed together. I went out only for the most vital of doctors’ appointments. Otherwise, being with my son, inhaling his scent every chance I got – watching his many expressions each day… nothing outside of that was as important to me.
I look back on that first month and how much bigger he is now, a mere two months later, and I’m so glad I took every opportunity to enjoy him then.
My baby's growing moments can never be duplicated and I can never have them over.
YOU DO KNOW BEST!
I love information on baby care. For me though it’s just that – information. It is not a directive on what I should or should not do with my child.
I have received a lot of advice when it comes to raising my child. One new mom told me this would happen. She then advised me to treat my son as an individual and do what I thought was best for him by not blindly following everyone else’s advice.
Thank you for this Lauren. It’s been valuable. You’ll be pleased to know that I’m learning to listen to my child and my gut.
This is not to say I shut out everything from everyone or source and just do it my way. I'm new to motherhood and I'm not so arrogant as to think three months of being a mom is experience enough to depend solely on my gut.
I'm learning a lot from people who've spent years studying children and can safely be called experts - and of course other moms. I'm cautious though about what advice I take, what I shelve for later and what I trash instantly.
I can say that so far in some cases it has been trial and error.
I keep telling and showing my son I love him. My mistakes don't mean I don't.
I'm learning to forgive myself for the times I don't get it right.
I think Luke forgives me with much more ease than I do myself.
Essentially there really is an insanely deep connection between mother and child.
I believe that when mom drowns herself in what everyone else is saying, no matter how well meaning, she disconnects from the most important channels of vital information: her child and herself.
For instance…
Our son sleeps in a cot next to our bed.
I read that children are noisy sleepers which I have found to sometimes be true with my son. So just to get some sleep, there are nights, I camp out on the couch.
Most nights I wake to what I can only describe as a tug at my boobs followed by a stream of breast milk – more often than not – I’ll go back to our room and find my son up and ready for a feed. Who needs a clock!
So my point is…
I have a happy child. I wanted to be a mom and I’ve been granted that. Yay God!
Most of my days are spent holding my baby, looking at him and drinking in every ounce of beauty that is him.
I may be doing it all wrong – but the joy of my son and the joy in my heart tell me I must be doing something right.
I’m bound to make mistakes – I’ve a whole list I’ve made with Luke already.
I do feel bad about them and it’s hard to “just” get over them because I want to do what’s best for him always. But I’m learning to go easy on myself. I’m building an archive of experience that helps me do better as him and I grow together.
I put it down to bad press the notion that babies are difficult. At worst they’re tiring.
I think what is difficult and can make mommyhood really hard is trying to follow every bit of advice offered. Even worse still is trying to live up to other people’s expectations or my own unrealistic ones – and that’s why I’m not even trying to.
References:
Your first week at home from Mom and Me magazine: written by Irene Bourquin, a certified childbirth and postnatal educator. She's also an author and doula.
Recommended Books:
Baby Sense by Megan Faure and Ann Richardson.
This book really helped especially for those first few weeks of Luke's arrival.
Even now I still consult it from time to time.
This blog has moved to our new home mommy24.com. Please join us there. DISCLAIMER: This blog is based on my opinion and should not replace advice from your health care providers and/or qualified medical practitioners.
I’m not a doctor or medical practitioner of any sort. I’m a mom.
In some of my blogs I include research, references and recommendations to various sources – I provide this information without any warranty of any kind, express or implied and I’m not liable for its accuracy nor for any loss or damage caused by anyone who uses this information.
I strongly encourage moms to do their own research on any and every subject I blog about.
No comments:
Post a Comment